ripped jeans

Farmer wardrobe malfunction
Photo: Hannah

There’s nothing much worse than swinging your leg over the back of your favorite horse and feeling that sudden release. One second you’re in slow motion, then all of a sudden the crotch of your blue jeans lets go.

The most common causes for crotch failure are shrunken denim and weak seams. They just don’t make “˜em like they used to. For me, finding a decent pair of blue jeans has become an epic — even Biblical — quest. I have now parted more denims than, in a thousand “Ten Commandments” reruns, Charlton Heston has Red Seas.

Once I saw a Hollywood western where the bad guys stretched wet rawhide and wrapped it around the necks of the good guys before staking them out in the sun where the leather would shrink.

jeans diamond

Every time I donned a pair of just-washed blue jeans and my eyes bugged out, I’d think of the guys in the movie. I believe shriveled denim to be the revenge of an indigenous people from a trade-distorted nation, whose intent it is to torture me into leaving their sacred land.

Technological advancement: Diamond Gussets
modeled by a biker (not the author)

Photo: Bikernet

I was in desperate need to replace my indigo blues with something less revealing, and one day ran across an ad for the “Diamond Cut Fit System” with “Gusset Technology.” Blue jeans? Technology? I wondered if putting these things on would be like suiting up for the Space Shuttle. After checking them out I said “Why Not”? At least the price wasn’t in outer space.

I bought a pair of Diamond Cut Classic Regular Fit Jeans with Gusseted Crotch Technology. They fit great! But then I had to wash them. My gut tightened at the thought. It wouldn’t be the first time perfect fitting blue jeans had been snatched away, replaced by a costume for the Incredible Shrinking Man.

After the first washing they fit as good as new. I just kept washing and wearing. No bugged out eyes, no ripped out crotch. When I wear my American made Diamonds in the rough, they hold up great until they’re all worn out.

For my money, those Diamonds are a real gem.

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